This is where I was stuck, in the grand pursuit of “success”. Never mind that quest nearly killed me.
Invariably when things didn’t turn out the way I planned, I worked even harder – eighteen to twenty-hour days. So lost in chasing “success,” I never questioned the reasons why it was necessary.
I mean, is this something I truly wanted?
Or, merely the product of conditioning – parents’ ideologies, societal expectations, peer pressure (when your group of friends are high achievers, it can drive you to push yourself too) – that were controlling me?
Did I even enjoy the relentless chase? Or had I been programmed to function this way?
I wish I had thought about this BEFORE squandering twenty years of precious life in the wrong pursuits.
One day, a strange, new, totally alien notion arose in my mind – Am I happy?
This powerful thought halted me mid-stride because the resounding answer was absolutely not.
If not “success”, then what would make me joyful? Here I am considering lasting happiness rather than the fleeting, transient experiences of joy or elation. Well, I was stumped. I had no idea what would make me happy all the time.
However, I realised what made me unhappy: the endless pursuit of somebody’s idea of success which in fact wasn’t mine at all.
At this juncture I felt very lost. My five year, ten year and twenty year plans, were now pointless, defunct. The GPS of my life had failed in the middle of nowhere and I had no clue what to do. Where to go from here.
In true management consulting style (oh, I forgot to mention I worked for a prestigious management consulting firm at the time) I started modelling.
No, no, not the glamourous, super model kind; the less glitzy but equally sexy depending on who you asked, planning and analysis type.
This involved having a good think about:
i) The As-Is State: This is where I was at the time – unhappy, stressed out, fatigued, potentially anorexic, a nervous wreck.
ii) The To-Be State: What I didn’t want anymore versus what I did actually want.
iii) The Transition State: How to get from where I was to where I desired to be.
On paper, this looked like a sound approach.
Alas, once again I had fallen into the trap of planning, attempting to control the outcome. Much later I discovered, the hard way obviously, that there is no quick, easy way to unlearn, to reprogramme ourselves.
And, one most definitely will not succeed while they are attached to some desired outcome.
Cut a long, struggle-filled story short, the more I let go of what I thought I wanted or needed, the more happiness-inducing stuff started to happen. The toughest part of this journey to peace is letting go of the things, the people, the treasured belief systems we assume bring us joy but in fact, the opposite is the case. These are the blocks we need to discover and compassionately address.
